Thursday, 14 June 2012

Mr G to the Rescue

Last night we had a bit of an adventure. Well, that might be overstepping the line, more of a misunderstanding that resulted in Mr. G brandishing his weapon at a on if you are intrigued...

We live in a terraced house in Fulham, and get on really well with our neighbours. Last week, they came over and asked if we could keep an eye on their house whilst they went on holiday. No big deal, we thought, and happily took a set of keys and wished them a great holiday. Fast forward a few days to last night; Mr. G and I are snuggled up in bed, when suddenly we hear all manner of bangs and crashes from next door. They go on and on, and seem to get louder, to the point that they wake Fifi up. Now, all fully awake, we start to wonder what's going on. Who is next door and why is there so much noise. We come to the only rational explanation at 11pm at night, they are being burgled. 

Mr. G sends Mr. Next Door a text message, asking if they were expecting visitors whilst away. We both assumed they must have forgotten to tell us, what sort of burglar would make so much noise? Suddenly, Mr. G's phone rings. It's Mr. Next Door, who says no one is expected in their house, who can it be? He asks Mr. G to investigate further, and Mr. G, who is not one to turn down a challenge, accepts the proposal, with a promise to call with an update shortly. 

Thus, the obvious discussion ensues, what weapon should he take...
Mr. G: 'Shotgun'
Me: 'Don't be ridiculous, you could go to prison for brandishing a shotgun in the street'
Mr. G: 'The cutlass' (click here for an explanation of the cutlass)
Me: 'If gangs get in trouble for carrying around flick knives, I can't imagine the police taking kindly to a 2 foot cutlass, even if it did belong to a pirate'
Me: 'How about your penknife'
Mr. G: 'What am I going to do with that, cut their finger nails?'

And so we were stumped. Mr. G, after wrapping himself in my pink cashmere dressing gown and his new leather slippers (sadly not monogrammed, that would have been a real sight), went down to the kitchen and has a rustle around the utensil drawer. After discounting the fish slice (too floppy), the carving knife (too aggressive) and a wooden spoon (too matronly), he decided on a knife steel/sharpener. Basically a longish rod of metal that he could 'subtly' hide up his sleeve. 

So, armed and dangerous, he marched out the front door, keys and steel in hand and knocked on the door ('you have to give the hooligans a chance, it would be unsporting not to'). there was no answer. At this point, I gingerly scaled the wall (2ft if that) and stood next to him, holding my phone with 999 already typed in. He put the keys in the lock and opened the  main door (I have to explain that the neighbours have two front doors, as there is a flat below their house), when all of a sudden, the inner door to their house opened and slammed shut really quickly. 

My instinct kicked in and I leapt back over the wall, ran inside and shut our front door (apparently that was a bit offensive to Mr. G, he told me later). I summoned up the courage to tiptoe outside after a few seconds, only to see Mr G, hand on steel (in a weird Shaolin monk type pose, as the steel was up one of his sleeves, so his arms were in a sort of hug position) marching up to the door and trying to open it. And then it opened, a crack at a time, to reveal the intruder....

Far from being a overweight chap in a stripy top, with a bag marked 'swag' over his shoulder, it was a middle aged, slightly overweight lady, who didn't speak English. This took Mr. G by surprise (probably the same level of surprise as the lady was feeling to be fair, afraid she was going to be hugged to death by a man in a pink dressing gown and glasses). After some acting, improvising and broken English, we established that this lady was in fact their cleaning lady, who was running late (late? she normally comes at noon, who runs 11 hours late?).

It turned out that there was no crime, (except against fashion on Mr. G's part) and no real drama, but we could not stop crying with laughter for about half an hour afterwards. Thought you might find it funny too! (p.s. 100% true!)

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